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1969 PREVIEW ISSUE

America Moons The World!
The Year In Preview
by Charlie Qualls
Prognosticators project 1969 will be known for much more than sparking a brand new sexual position. Incidentally, here are some positions that will be virtually ignored thanks to the 69’s popularity: The Mangled Monkey, The Honduran Helicon, The Diddly Squat, The Landed Eagle, The Black-n-Decker Rubbernecker, The Surly With The Fringe On Top, The Cardinal Fang, The Dangling Consternation and The Deep Fried Turd Burglar. Still, watch for Canadian Pop-Rocker Bryan Adams to have one hell of a summer.

John Lennon and Yoko Ono’s “Bed-In” in Montreal will have the unfortunate and ironic result of riots springing up in mattress stores all over the globe. Plus, sales of peas will spike for some mysterious reason.
The world will really get a new look at women’s issues when Penthouse magazine is unveiled.

Charles Manson will be sent to Viet Nam, killing two birds with one stone. When asked why he didn’t just use his gun, he’ll reply, “Early worm gets eaten by the bird, Jack!”

The “Ha-Penny” will cease to be legal tender in the UK, replaced by the even less popular “pottopissin.”
It’ll be a sunny day when Sesame Street premieres making Vampirism (The Count), homelessness (Oscar), childhood obesity (Cookie Monster) and LSD trips (Snuffalupagus) palatable for children. Also acceptable will be the feeling up of America’s youth by creepy puppeteers with their “Hug-a-Muppet” campaign.

Women will be allowed into the Future Farmers of America Organization. This will be a shock to women as they thought they’d made it clear they wanted no part of it.

United League Commissioner Tim Smith will place a one-year moratorium on penis puns when the drafting of Dick Woodson causes the brain aneurism of a certain Cleveland sports writer. In the suspension’s wake will be mildly hilarious goofs about “Chappaquiddick” and “The Peter Principle.” Quoth the writer: “Suck my thumb!”
Australian media mogul Rupert Murdoch will buy the largest selling British Sunday newspaper, The News Of The World. Eventually, however, his focus will shift to the dumbing down of American sports through the clever use of a talking baseball, Tim McCarver and a robot with a compulsive need to do stretching exercises. The final nail will be something called “Pitch Tracker.”

Two words: “Miracle ‘Ments”

Say good-bye to: Jack Kerouac, Dwight D. Eisenhower, Jeffrey Hunter, Judy Garland, Boris Karloff, Ho Chi Minh, Sharon Tate.
Say hello to: Charlie Qualls, Rachel Hunter (no other births of consequence)
[Editor's note: Jennifer Aniston, Renée Zellweger, Cate Blanchett, Jennifer Lopez, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Christian Slater, Matthew Perry, Gwen Stefani, Ice Cube, Marilyn Manson, Sean "Diddy" Combs, Gabriel Batistuta, Dennis Bergkamp, Emmitt Smith, Brett Favre, Joe Sakic, Steffi Graf, Michael Schumacher, Nancy Kerrigan, Joe Buck, Ken Griffey, Jr.]

Hungry To Starving: A Monumental Teardown
by Charlie Qualls
Things looked pretty bleak for the 1968 Washington Monuments. Leading off was lead-off man Dick Howser’s seeming plummet to Earth, chopping well over 100 points off his ‘67 average and failing to even approach 200 hits since 1963. Franchise man Willie Mays couldn’t get his footing after his 1967 knee injury. Prime-timers Ron Santo, Dick Stuart and Mike De La Hoz all saw production drop-offs without Howser’s usually pristine table setting and Mays’ steadfast protection. The pitching staff was fairly flimsy to begin with, but when youthful staff ace Jim Nash’s back gave out, the plaque fell off the monument, so to speak. Young starters Nelson Briles and Rick Wise continued their growing pains and Don Drysdale remained adamant in his refusal to live up to his potential. The accumulative result was a 103 loss season, the most in the storied franchise.

Dick And Willie Pulled
Then the team that was already starting from scratch went and clipped its nails. Santo, De La Hoz and Nash (all relatively young themselves) were shipped for draft picks. UL’s founding father Mays now finds himself awash in a sea of jobless Free Agents. Most shocking however, was the trade of Howser, a freak of nature to be sure, but a fan fave nonetheless.

The Maker’s Mark
Comparisons have to be drawn to the UL’s last big teardown: Mark Allen’s Louisville Colonels. In response to 1963’s 104 loss rebuilding year, Mr. Allen tossed off Dick McCauliffe, Bernie Allen, Tim McCarver, Willie Jones, Herm Wehmeier and Roman Mejias for all the draft picks he could get his hands on. But even Morgana the Kissing Bandit would be in awe of the bust that was Louisville’s 1964 rookie selections. Five picks in the first round yielded Sam "Who?" McDowell, Denny "Who?" McLain, Tony Conigliaro Luis Tiant and Jim Ray Hart. Granted, very few escaped that draft into superstardom, but the Colonels still missed legitimates like Dick Allen, Rico Carty and Tony Oliva. 1964 brought a new league low 118 losses and the end of Mr. Allen’s UL tenure. However, it appears that Monuments GM Doug Aiton has used his draft picks much more wisely: Andy Messersmith, Al Oliver and Rich Hebner all look game ready, and Clay Kirby is close. But Mr. Aiton doesn’t appear eager to throw the meat to the wolves just yet. A wise move considering the lack of big star guidance and protection on the parent club.

Monumental Erection
But no one’s panicking just yet. First off, Aiton’s sobering draft savvy is apparent to all. Dick “The Stick” Stuart and “Pretty Boy” Floyd Robinson are still around to mentor the young. ROY runner-up “Neon” Cleon Jones should light up right field for years to come. Despite slow starts to the careers of SPs Wise and Briles, both are still solid prospects. Closer Rob Gardner was the sole standout in the Monuments bullpen last season, and he’s still only 24. A busy off season brought veteran starters Sonny Siebert, Bob Sadowski and Ray Herbert along, presumably to cook while the new kids marinate a bit. Pen help lands with the additions of Gerry Arrigo and Fred Gladding. A last minute spending spree added solid statesmen Bill Mazeroski and Leon Wagner, which should help insure the ’69 Mons don’t rain on Louisville’s ’64 loss parade.