Bench, Bailey Lift Texans
DALLAS (May 1) -- The Texans have a batting leader, but for once it is not Rod Carew.  While the 24-year-old Panamanian has "struggled" with just a .320 average, his teammate Johnny Bench, though one year younger, has ascended to the top of the league batting table.  Bench took the collar against Boston on May 8, dropping his average to a season-low .349, but went 5-for-5 in an 11-2 rout the next day and has maintained an average over .370 since.  Bench's .404 average in May is equaled by Bob Bailey.  Bailey twice drove in more than 90 runs in a season (in 1967 and '68), but had cooled off in recent seasons, until now.  In his eighth year in the league, he is breaking out, batting .325-8-41 with a .943 OPS in 41 games.  He has 12 RBIs in his last four games, including six in a two-homer performance at Brooklyn May 12.

Dallas has won six of its last seven to remain part of a four-team pack atop the West Division, but was 3-4 against St. Louis and Atlanta in early May, which kept them from breaking into first place.  More importantly, given last year, Dallas has managed to keep its starting rotation mostly intact, except for ace Jack Billingham, who was lost for a second three-week stint on the DL after a hamstring strain on May 7.  But Jim McAndrew has stepped up with a career low 2.98 ERA through eight starts, and Gaylord Perry is 5-1.
  
Joe Torrid
ATLANTA (May 16) - Atlanta's new star is earning the preseason hype.  After a slow start Joe Torre is hitting .366 and leads the league with 43 RBIs and 27.6 VORP.  Torre hit 13-26 (.500) with 12 RBIs the week ending May 3, then hit .407 with 11 more RBIs the following week to become the first back-to-back Player of the Week since Lou Brock last June.  Atlanta's offense has improved the last couple weeks and now ranks second only to Dallas in runs and second to Detroit in home runs.  CF Bob Allison has come to life, hitting .345-4-9 in May after going just .222-5-17 in April, and 3B Sal Bando is well on his way to a career year (.355-6-19, .985 OPS).

Harris Suspended After Rainy Row at Fenway
by Brendan Harris
BOSTON (May 16th) -- UL officials have handed down a three-game suspension to Federals GM Brendan Harris for the abusive tirade he directed at the umpiring crew during the Federals-Outlaws matchup at Fenway on May 5th.  During the rain-soaked evening game, three Feds pitchers -- starter Bert Blyleven and relievers Al Hrabosky and Pete Richert -- were injured, causing Harris to berate the crew for failing to delay or cancel the game.  After Richert succumbed to a shoulder injury in the top of the 7th, Harris charged out of the dugout wearing a snorkel, scuba mask, and flippers, and jumped up and down in the puddle that had formed near the on-deck circle to demonstrate the unsuitable field conditions.  He then used a flipper to scoop some water from the puddle and proceeded to pour it over the head of home plate umpire Emmett Magoo, earning himself an early trip to the locker room but perhaps successfully convincing the officials to call a 61-minute delay.

Commenting on the suspension, Harris said, "Three pitching injuries in one game?  The men in blue have got to start protecting our players. I'm just glad I got them off the field before my entire staff went down."  Harris was overheard muttering "Darn St. Louis" repeatedly as he exited the stadium today.  Defending himself, crew chief Magoo noted that Los Angeles pitchers did not appear to have difficulty throwing in the weather conditions, advising Boston equipment managers to check the players' spikes in the future.
  

WEST DIVISION	EAST DIVISION
Fritz Peterson blanked Brooklyn with a two-hit shutout May 9, snapping a five-game losing streak. . . Jimmy Wynn had 5 hits, including 2 homers, and 7 RBIs in a 9-7 win at Detroit.	Tom Seaver anchored a 3-0 shutout of St. Louis May 15. . . Phil Niekro and Seaver are a combined 11-3. . . Ellie Rodriguez cracked into top 10 in batting with .349 average since May 1.
Steve Carlton has allowed two runs or less in 3 of his last 4 starts, including a six-hit shutout of Washington May 15.	Bobby Grich homered twice in a 4-for-6 day vs. Boston May 1. . . Pedro Ramos got his second shutout of the year May 3, a four-hit gem vs. Boston.
Count Reggie Cleveland among the early ROY candidates; the third round pick had five saves and 12 days and has 10 overall. . .  After just 10 RBI in his first 26 games, rookie Chris Chambliss got five in one afternoon May 6, helping Dallas to a 6-5 win at Atlanta.	Gary Nolan is playing hot and cold.  He was 1.69 with 22 Ks in two starts straddling May 1, then 5.40 with 8 in his last two.
Joe Morgan drove in 5 runs and narrowly miss a cycle in a 14-5 rout vs. Dallas May 2; he added 4 RBIs in a game in San Francisco two days later.	Alan Foster, 0-4 in his first 5 starts is is 2-0, 1.23 in his last 4, including a May 5 shutout of Manhattan. . . Matty Alou was 4-for-5 with 3 RBI May 8.
Tom Griffin was pounded for 21 earned runs (11.34) in his last four starts. . . Mike Hedlund pitched 7.2 innings of shutout ball in a 6-0 win at Boston.	Andy Messersmith has notched 18.2 shutout innings over his last 3 starts. . . Rotation and bullpen both rank #1 in league.
Bill Parsons snapped a two-game skid in style with a six-hit shutout of Brooklyn May 2. . . Johnny Kucks fanned 11 Griffins in a 10-0 shutout May 7, but left the game with neck stiffness in the ninth.	Clyde Wright celebrated his callup to the majors with a four-hit shutout at Chicago in his season debut. . . 2B Glenn Beckert had a 17-game hitting streak Apr. 16 to May 4.

UL Ins and Outs
by Charlie Qualls
"Bob Humphreys Night” Canceled
To say the Public Relations team in Cleveland is scrambling would be patently false. Quite the opposite, in fact. Due to a mind-boggling lack of interest, plans for a special tribute to honor Barons closer Bob Humphreys have been set aside indefinitely. PR maven, A. Tad Shoey, was secretly recorded saying, “That dude is just not marketable. He’s a great guy with a great arm and a haircut you can set a sundial to, but nobody knows who he is. Most people still call him “Bill Humpty”, now THAT I could work with. And so stiff! You know his is the only bobble-head doll that doesn’t bobble when you shake it? You didn’t hear this from me, but I miss the 'Abernasty' days. That guy could move merchandise!” The Barons Front Office will be pleased to hear they saved $236 in fireworks.  Perhaps Humphreys’ relative anonymity is working in his favor. Before anyone's noticed, he’s amassed eight saves while only surrendering two base runners in 10 innings pitched so far this season.
 
Doobie-Ous Honors Bestowed
The United League’s Pun-O-Graphic And Stoner Society (PASS) held it’s semi-whenever-we-get-around-to-it Charity Awards Gala to honor the teams whose players’ names are most giggle-worthy. The main banquet was held at The Palms Casino in Las Vegas. The focus this year was on pitchers, so naturally the Chicago Colts brought home the half-coveted “ASSY.” On hand were good sports Wilbur Wood, Dooley Womack, Harry Parker, Rich Folkers, Buster Narum, Larry Jaster and Johnny Kucks. Accepting the award and cracking up the crowd was the always bouncy Bob D. Johnson.  Meanwhile, across town in the back room of the Mandalay, the “Tongue-In-Other-Guy’s-Cheek Award" was being given to the Dallas Texans. Extremely good sports Jack Billingham, Gaylord Perry, Jerry Johnson, Sparky Lyle and Gary Gentry were gracious receivers for a good cause. Though none were brave enough to take a turn on the “Johnny” Bench.  The events were sponsored by Dick’s Sporting Goods and raised money and awareness for the Juvenile Gonorrhea Foundation.

Next To Nothing
There have been a handful of 1-0 games so far this season, but none as wild as the April 5th Gray Sox/Monuments duel. Washington’s Bill Butler was making his first start of the season after a terrible finish in ’70.  His ERA for September was 6.04. He topped that off with two forgettable post-season starts. On the Gray Sox side was one-time phenom Juan Pizarro, who hadn’t started a UL game since 1967. Both pitched well, Butler in particular showed that a World Series ring was enough to help erase the memory of his personal lack of triumph at the end of last year. He threw eight innings, giving up only four hits and striking out six. Pizarro was a bit shaky, weaving in-and-out of jams. He threw 6.2 innings, allowing five hits and walking six. Juan needed help from the league’s toughest bullpen and he got it. Five relievers combined to shut down the Mons the rest of the way. Ultimately, it was the Washington offense that let Butler down. They had no trouble getting on base, but stranded all 17 runners. Recent acquisition and rookie catcher Ellie Rodriquez was the offensive hero for the Sox with an RBI double in the sixth. Pizarro notched the win while Butler took the hard-luck loss. The Monuments' triumph, however, was marred by the loss of Roberto Clemente to a knee injury during a defensive play in the 5th inning. Joe Torre’s replacement bat is expected to sit for most of the season.