Circuit Clouts - Home of United League Baseball

April 1, 1968

NEXT SIMS

Fri 12/19 (Opening Day)
Sa 12/27 (to May 1)
Rosters due noon ET

Circuit clouts Official Newsletter of the United League
LEAGUE FILE (12/17) · CONTRACTS · INFO · HISTORY · FORUM
1967 · 11/1 · 3/1 · 4/1

The Times They Are A-changin’
1968 Year In Preview
by Charlie Qualls
It doesn’t take a psychic to see the times they are a-changin’. Here’s a glimpse at a few of the major events you’ll see in ’68. Just don’t ask about Vietnam, that shit’s confusing.

*Mattel Inc. will introduce pocket-sized replica cars called “Hot Wheels.” At first they’ll be included with cigarettes, making them immensely popular with children.

*With just over a minute left to play in a key AFL Jets/Raiders match-up, and the Jets holding a comfortable eleven point lead, NBC will feel safe cutting into the game with the regularly scheduled kid’s flick, “Heidi.” But in the overlap, the Raiders will stage (what we’ll have to assume is) a dramatic two-touchdown comeback to win the game. No one outside the West Coast will see it. This will have the following negative effects:
1. Raiders fans will be violent, pissed off A-Holes for the rest of existence.
2. “Monday Night Made-For-TV Children’s Movies” will never catch on.
3. “Heidi Salami” will never take its rightful place as the world’s most famous stripper name.

*Roy Jacuzzi will take drunken, public bathing to new heights with his fully integrated, self-contained whirlpool bath. Three weeks before, Myron Hawtubb will have had the same idea, but not act on it.

*Hot shot rebel Saddam Hussein will rise to Vice Chairman of the Revolutionary Council in Iraq, ushering in a new age of peace, prosperity and stability to the Middle East. And the statues, you’re gonna LOVE the statues.

*Pope Paul VI will confirm a ban on the use of birth control among Catholics. His rationale: “Little boys can’t get pregnant anyway.”

Black Is The New Black
*An impromptu “Black Power” salute at an Olympic medal ceremony will set off a chain of events that leads to an African-American man being elected POTUS forty years later. Women Olympians will attempt a similar salute but will fall just short of having the same effect.

*Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., America’s leading Civil Rights activist, will meet his end by a sniper’s bullet while on the balcony of his Memphis hotel. Riots will erupt in major cities all over the US. To compound the tragedy, Dr. King will miss seeing his beloved Cleveland Barons win the World Series by six short months.

*The world will finally be able to stop guessing who’s coming to dinner. Spoiler Alert: It’ll be a black guy.

*USC running back O.J. Simpson will slash NCAA records on his way to Heisman glory. This promising young African-American with a killer smile will go on to punch holes in NFL defenses, before bringing his razor sharp wit to the commentator’s box. Then audiences will die laughing when he pursues a successful comedy movie career. It’ll be nothing but blue skies for this happy-go-lucky family man.

Born in 1968
Cuba Gooding, Jr., Gary Coleman, Molly Ringwald, Daniel Craig, Lucy Lawless, Ashley Judd, Gillian Anderson, Debra Messing, Rachael Ray, Will Smith, Owen Wilson, Lucy Liu -- LL Cool J, Sarah McLachlan, Damon Albarn, Celine Dion, Kylie Minogue, Thom Yorke, Ziggy Marley, Shaggy, Vanilla Ice -- Mary Lou Retton, Barry Sanders, Sammy Sosa, Mike Piazza, Hideo Nomo, Mike Mussina, Rod Beck

Died in 1968
Martin Luther King Jr., Robert F. Kennedy, Helen Keller, Upton Sinclair, John Steinbeck, Yuri Gagarin, Trygve Lie

Everything New is Old Again
Colts come full circle, back to rebuilding
by Lance Mueller
CHICAGO (April 1) -- The 1967 season saw the Colts drop from a gallop to a trot and saw them drop back to the pack, their run through the stormy sixties atop the UL West finally coming to an end. Overtaken by younger, more talent filled teams – in a division that has begun to be flooded with young talent – the Windy City whinnies enter the 1968 season in the somewhat unfamiliar position of playing catch up. Had it not been for the long streak of success and a World Series victory the horsies might be chomping at the bit to re-arm, reload and reengage, but that’s not the attitude GM Lance Mueller and the team is taking into this season.

Instead, the organization has decided to trust its youth and to develop their talent with an eye towards replacing some of the team’s aging vets. 3/5ths of the ’68 starting rotation will be 25 or younger, with freshman Ron Reed and sophs Bill Singer and Joe Coleman making up the righty portion of the rotation. Youngsters like Paul Schaal and Horace Clarke will see their playing time increase dramatically as they take over their positions fulltime. 23 year old Sonny Jackson will start at shortstop versus righties while Ed Brinkman (26) will be his platoon mate versus lefties. After a couple of seasons as a September call up, 25 year old Jim Gosger joins the big league club as a fifth outfielder and late game defensive replacement. With a solid starting rotation, a strong and dependable bullpen, and stud veterans like Adcock, Cash, Clemente, and Taylor surrounded by the youth brigade, the Colts feel they can still compete while also taking the first steps down the road to a return to the top of UL West. So, saddle up, because the ’68 season awaits!

“Throw Me a Freakin’ Bone Here, People” Or “If It’s Not Scottish, It’s Crap!”
by Sean Holloway
Finding joy in Mike Myers comedy ideas are about the only thing that Griffins GM Sean Holloway can do nowadays. Hell, there’s no bone to throw, and it’s a certainty that the Griffins ain’t Scottish. Fans in Detroit, prepped well by the first 0-16 performance of an NFL “team” in the guise of the Lions, will simply segue into another losing sports team that plays in a different season.

After a devastating offseason that saw the team lose infield specialist Woodie Held and longtime 1B Joe Cunningham, not much was left for Holloway to do but gorge himself on turkey while awaiting spring training. And the fact that the exodus of the above two players will have such an impact on Detroit only shows just how bad this team was, is, and will be again this year. Holes abound, and it’s looking like a repeat of 1967’s poor showing – with the Griffins likely finishing even worse.

There may be hope, though, as rumors have it that GM Holloway has a devious plan he is waiting to unfold on the League come Opening Day. Taking a page from President-Elect Barack “Jesus Christ” Obama, Holloway reportedly intends to employ a strategy of “change” by staffing DET’s lineup with players from previous teams. BRO, ATL, and WAS fans should watch out – they may find their favorite players listed in the Griffins lineup. If that doesn’t work, Holloway will have to rely on rookies Bobby Bonds, Reggie Jackson and Dock Ellis – all of whom will likely spend the year in the minors if Detroit lives up to expectations and thus have no little to no impact this year.

Get Out the Ottoman!!
Ellis or Bosman? “Quality” of Pitching Available Stuns Griffins GM
by Sean Holloway
DETROIT (March 1) – Sean Holloway, the Detroit Griffins GM and long-suffering owner, was thrown into a quandary by two 12-hour work days and a difficult decision with the Round 2, #4 pick in this year’s Rookie Draft. Between client work, a proposal he was tagged to assist on, and the realization that he would have to sacrifice either an acid-dropping Dock Ellis or a flame-thrower in Dick Bosman, Holloway went from his quandary into a full-fledged meltdown. While pacing through his home contemplating the pick, he tripped over his ottoman and fell not only down but into despair. The fall, reminiscent of his infamous 1995 “Ozzie Smith Foul Bar Home Run Ottoman in the Area” incident, only hurt his pride this time though and not his pinkie. Unfortunately, the bump on the head did nothing to enlighten Holloway as to which of the two righties he should pick. After pouring over stats for days, Holloway began seeing double and worse – hearing things. He claims that he heard the below while drifting off to sleep in front of his computer.

Sung to Natalie Imbruglia’s “Torn”

I thought I saw an Ellis brought to life
He had movement, had control; he was dignified
Showed me how to pitch a no-hitter while high

Well you couldn’t be that Burdette I adored
You don’t seem to know - seem to care - what your splitter is for
But I don’t own him anymore

[Chorus]
There’s nothing where Kiner used to lie
My farm club has run dry
That’s what’s going on; nothing’s fine I’m torn

I’m all out of cap space; this is how I feel
My team is old; my fans ashamed and
I don’t know what I’m playing for

Catfish never changed into something real
I’m wide awake and I can see that Freese’s back is torn
Gibson’s development’s late; Freese already torn

So I guess that Glennie Reed is right
Should have seen just a semi-pro and not some holy light
That crawled into my dreams at night

I don’t care; I have no luck; I don’t miss Podres all that much
There’s just so many players
That I can’t touch, I’m torn

Repeat chorus

OPENING DAY PROBABLES
*left-handed		1966 Stats
CLE WAS	*Johnny Podres Jim Nash	19-6 12-7	1.80 3.55
DAL SF	*Rich Nye Fergie Jenkins	12-7 12-15	3.16 3.43
BRO BOS	Gene Conley *Mike Cuellar	15-9 15-14	2.64 3.35
MAN DET	Bob Anderson Pedro Ramos	12-7 12-15	3.17 3.45
CHI LA	Bill Singer *John Antonellli	20-11 20-12	3.00 2.32
ATL STL	Jim Palmer Don Sutton	20-5 11-11	3.13 3.08

TRADES

April 1 (179)
CHICAGO gets
2B Davey Johnson

SAN FRANCISCO gets
LF Ted Savage

April 1 (180)
CHICAGO gets
C Clay Dalrymple

CLEVELAND gets
C Jerry McNertney

ONE-YEAR TREND

Player

Wins

ATLANTA

+43

BOSTON

MANHATTAN

CLEVELAND

DALLAS

WASHINGTON

-1

LOS ANGELES

-4

CHICAGO

-8

ST. LOUIS

-10

DETROIT

-14

BROOKLYN

-17

SAN FRANCISCO

-17

THREE-YEAR TREND